Batman Drives Uber/Transcript
Jason: Ugh, should have worn more cover-up. Jason: Good evening, sir. Jeremy: Um, are you...? Jason: Mint? Jeremy: Batman? Jason: What? No, no. You must have mistaken me for someone else. I guess I just have one of those faces. Jeremy: Oh my goodness, it is you! The Dark Knight! Jason: Okay, okay, but just be cool about it, okay, man? Jeremy: Alright. So, why are you driving Uber? Jason: Because when your income is A and your expenses are B... Jeremy: Aren't you a billionaire? Jason: Yes, a billionaire with a debilitating shopping addiction. Jeremy: Well, I'm sure it's not that bad. Jason: I bought the moon, just so that I could rename it "Bat Moon". Jeremy: Ouch. Well, people make bad investments. I mean, as a venture capitalist, I hear bad ideas all the time. Jason: Wait, you want to hear a great idea? Jeremy: Actually, you know what, I don't. Jason: First idea, baseball. Instead of using a wooden bat to hit the ball, you use a live bat. It would make the game way more exciting. You could call it "Batball". No, "Basebat". No! "Batbat". Jeremy: Yeah, I think PETA will have a problem with that. Jason: Second idea! Batting cage filled with actual... Jeremy: Bats? Jason: Butterflies! What? No, I was thinking, you know, it would be kind of relaxing and fun with the butterflies. I didn't even think about bats. That makes way more sense. Jeremy: You know, if you're just looking for a second job, the fast food industry is always... Jason: Yeah, I already tried Chipotle. Serving people that food violated my one rule. Jeremy: Okay, I think it would be a lot better for business if you drove the Batmobile around instead of this old minivan. Jason: Yeah, well, Robin doesn't like it when I pick him up from practice in a military-grade tank. Plus, I'm tired of all the judgmental stares from the other soccer moms and their eco-friendly Priuses. If they really wanted to save the planet, they'd fight crime. Jeremy: Okay, well, let's just focus on your resume then. Jason: Wait, there's a man jaywalking. He must be brought to justice. Jeremy: Okay, I don't think that merits a beat-down. Jason: Well, excuse me for fighting crime so effectively that the only criminals left... Ah! Jeremy: You just hit that guy! Jason: You do the crime, you pay the time. Jeremy: What? You won't kill a psychopathic murderous clown, but sure, jaywalkers are fair game? Jason: Well, it doesn't count if it was an accident. Plus, I think I see some movement. I just need to make a quick phone call. Jeremy: It better be an ambulance. Jason: Alfred. Yeah. I need you to pick someone up and nurse them back to health. I don't know! Just put him next to the other guy! Yeah. Okay, thanks. Bye. Wait, no! Can you make me a cheese sandwich? Alfred, no, ah, dang it. He hung up. So, uh, what would it take for you to uh, forget all of this and still give me a five-star rating? Jeremy: The moon. Jason: I'll Venmo it to you. Jeremy: Thank you. Jason: Goodbye, Bat Moon. Goodbye. Bat Moon! Category:Season 8